snoburbia, the blog

senior scatter

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It's out! It's the Senior Scatter, the end-of-year newspaper at our local snoburban high school answering the age-old question: Did I get into a better college?

So...  Our seniors are going to (ahem): Stanford, Penn, Mount Holyoke, NYU, Columbia, Carnegie Mellon, Johns Hopkins, UVA, University of Michigan, Haverford, Vanderbilt, Northwestern, Claremont McKenna, Notre Dame, Kenyon, Vassar, Georgetown, UC Berkeley, Cornell, Emory, Brandeis, Georgia Tech, Bard,  RISD, William and Mary, Hamilton, Amherst, Tulane, and many others.

More are going to University of Maryland, St. Mary's and UMBC*. This being overclass snoburbia, only one person is going into the military.

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* UMBC, the nerdy science and technology campus of the University of Maryland, is sometimes nicknamed, University of Maryland, But Chinese.

full-on snoburbia

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My neighborhood has changed since we moved in. There used to be a few remaining blue-collar families - the roofer next door, the tow truck driver down the street. Now they are all gone, as the housing prices have hit $1 million (plus). In their stead, lawyers and doctors and executives have moved in.

Nowhere is this demographic change more evident than at our local elementary school. When we first started there, back in the late 1990s, there were still some women with frizzy (undyed!) hair and full skirts.

Not now.

Now it's a sea of Athleta yoga pants and Marmot vests. Their bottoms are pert and their hair is blonde. Their teeth are pearly white.

It's full-on snoburbia now. No denying it.

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familiarity breeds

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I once worked for a magazine that hired only Ivy Leaguers on its editorial side. This extended even to the free-labor interns.

This is true in many elite institutions. Why so much emphasis on the Ivy League in hiring decisions? Here's my theory, in two scenarios:

a. Familiarity - He went to private schools, JK*-12, and on to the Ivy League. He has a background similar to my own. He is like family. In fact, he is my cousin, twice-removed.

b. Validation - I scrambled my way into the Ivy League by sheer merit, through superior skill and keen intellect. I deserve to be in the pantheon of the overclass. If I hire that kid from State U, I am as much as admitting that those public school schlubs I left behind deserve to be here, too.

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On the business side of the magazine, where I worked, one's degree didn't matter. It was commerce.

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* That's "junior kindergarten." I can't believe you didn't know that. You must have gone to public school.

differently abled English

 

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At the schools in snoburbia, they* are always thinking up new ways to improve upon plain ole English. My daughter was late for school this morning, so she had to go to "promptness workshop."  Then she went to her "American Voices" (English) class.

One day last week, my son forgot to turn in his homework, so he got "noon reflection" (detention). This was held in the "media center" (library).

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* members of the Trilateral Commission, obviously

der hipstermobile

 

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If you are a 20-something snoburban hipster, you must drive a Volkswagen. It must carry a Thule roof rack (for your kayak or skis, of course).

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on a mission

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This being the Washington, D.C. area, we sometimes get presidential motorcades, Air Force One flyovers and such. Malia Obama played basketball at our local elementary school.

But recently, a big American sedan was lurking around my snoburban neighborhood, trying - ridiculously - to look inconspicuous. Hello? An American car in snoburbia? It was super-shiny and black, with a long antenna.

If the Secret Service/FBI/spooks truly had wanted to fit in in snoburbia, they would have driven a black BMW SUV, a Volvo station wagon, a grey Toyota or Honda minivan, or better yet - a green pickup truck pulling a trailer of lawnmowers and wheelbarrows.

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