snoburbia, the blog

leaving snoburbia: christmas in appalachia

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blizzard provisions in snoburbia

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So there is a huge snowstorm coming. This means only one thing: time to panic! After all, we may be snowed in for six weeks, and the snoburban market is nearly three blocks away.

But maybe I'm being too hasty, because in Bethesda apparently there really is a crisis at the local markets. Two stores have run out of a "desperately needed food item."

This is from a reader who wrote to me today. A foodie friend of his had to leave work early to find an important basic:

Was it milk? Cheese? Bread, perhaps? No - it was Italian parsley.

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the car menorah

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Yesterday I saw something new: a car menorah. It was huge - about four feet wide - and attached to a car roof. I was at the stoplight at Connecticut Avenue and East-West Highway in Chevy Chase. I had to look twice, startled.

Why did this strike me, I wonder? It is Hanukkah (or is it Chanukah?) after all. (NPR's Michel Martin must have seen this same car.)

In overclass snoburbia, you must not indicate any religion overtly, outside of a quiet Christmas display or the occasional CESJDS sticker or mezuzah.

I did notice that the car was headed east into Silver Spring, and not west into Bethesda.

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a wider berth in snoburbia

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Yesterday, I wanted some lowbrow candy, so I went to my favorite discount store, way out in outer suburbia. I turned my wheel to go into the parking space, and - what? - I had to do a 3-point turn to get my big car into the space. That's wierd, I thought.

Then today I went Christmas shopping at my snoburbia mall, and glided into a space in the lot. I had never noticed it before, but the parking spaces are divided by rectangular boxes instead of lines.

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the holly and the ivy league

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If you live in the snoburbs, the only acceptable lights to use in decorating your house for Christmas are white. You hear me? White. They must be wrapped around garlands of evergreen, and they must frame your door just so; perhaps a porch railing or pillar, but never more than that.

If you use ribbon, it cannot be Christmas red. Rather it must be a muted shade of maroon. Wreaths (which may be made of moss) must contain berries.

Which brings me to timing: In snoburbia, you mustn't put your Christmas lights up too early. Certainly not before the first weekend in December. The second weekend is perfect.

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In my hometown in Appalachia, the tryptophan has barely kicked in after the Thanksgiving meal before every house is bedecked in inflatable snow globes, rooftop Santas (and sleighs, of course), and thousands of colorful lights. And always the icicle lights.

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(That weeping you hear as you drive through the overclass suburbs this holiday season? It's the mourning of the demise of Smith & Hawken.)

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